Showing posts with label laughter. Show all posts
Showing posts with label laughter. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Lights Out!

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SCHOOL

After one day of school a little girl came home and saidto her Dad: 'I'm just wasting my time, 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He fingered through the pages of the old book when suddenly, something fell out of it.

He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

Monday, March 1, 2010

Extreeeme Danger.

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Here's the story:

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed..

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor.

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...


ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'

================================
Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff,
I receive it from my warped friends
and then send it on to you.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Naaaa... What's Up Doc?

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Old people ain't what they used to be lol
They are younger and wilder and take more risks it seems.
I am referring to Viagra because I am getting so many emails telling me how this product will make me happy lol

I guess there are a lot of concerned people out there who care and don't want to see me miserable. lol
Time to put on my net stockings, girdle, high heels, and red lipstick on my new botox lips lol

Yeee!!!! Haaaa!!!!!

Yup. Life begins at 40.

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ!

(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)

Only total thicko's will fail !!

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last ?

2) Which country makes Panama hats ?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal
?

7) What was King George VI's first name ?

8) What color is a purple finch ?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial
airplane ?

Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below.

ANSWERS

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last ? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats ? Ecuador

3) >From which animal do we get cat gut ? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?

November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what
animal ? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name ? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch ? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial
airplane ?

Orange (of course!)

What do you mean, you failed?!!

Me, too...!!!

( And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie! )

Pass this on to some "brilliant" friends, so that they may feel
useless too!

============================


Thursday, December 10, 2009

Christmas. The Essence of Mankind.


As the snowy, cold, festive season approaches, many sit depressed,
to see life isn't cracked up to what they thought it would be.

The ho hum life of getting up in the morning,
getting ready for school or a job they hate.
Maybe housecleaning is not a forte they enjoy
but the dishes are piled up from the night before.
What is one to do?

I can't help but go back to when people had nothing after the war.
People like my grand mother and even my parents whose youth and even life,
was lost, in running from fear, sitting in labor camps and receiving beatings in front of sharp toothed German Shepherds.

That to me, would be very depressing.
I would be angry to have some one rip my life away like this
Not these people.
They were survivors.

They saw the humor in things going wrong. They understood the world's insanity.
It looked pretty threatening and cold and yet it was wonderful
and people valued each other's warmth and
shared in what little there was to share.

What more could go wrong? They'd ask.
And sure enough something more always did and they
would find the humor in it and go on living,
working harder, to make it better.

One had to respect that.
I watched my grandparents and parents who took nothing for granted.
They blessed their food every day.
They took great pride in the shelter they owned working,
dollar down dollar a week. No job was too demeaning. They were free people.
Recycling was not something governments had to be involved in
Everyone knew to do that.
Every bolt, every screw could be reused somewhere else.

They worked and they grew their gardens and they pickled winter preserves, made their own jams, their own moon shine, their own juices, their own clothes and they had so much fun competing as to who made what the best, over a table eating cabbage soup with potatoes tomatoes, beets and meat the butcher cut from the cow or pig they brought to slaughter, animals they raised, on food they wanted to grow them on.

Simple fun in taking pride in what you do,
Becoming the best that you can be, at doing the things you know how to do.
Every one took part in helping every one, continuing to learn, and sharing in the bounty.

What happened to those people?
Where are they today?
No wonder life is boring.

There is no more craziness, no more life or living.

People are bored and heart broken and keep asking is this all there is?
They need to be entertained 24 hours a day.
Even actors can't keep up with the demand.

Today when we want something, we run to stores or whine and blame our parents and our government for things we don't have. We make them responsible for our lives, blame them for our shortcomings and failures, instead of taking pride in the life God made us a gift of.

Life is something to be treasured and celebrated.
It is a gift of breath and sight and wonder.
Every day is a new day to be experienced, in a new way and I have to say at this moment, that if you do not experience and learn something new every day, it is your own fault.

The world has so much to offer man, that there is no time for boredom or depression.
There is no time to sit idle believing solutions lie in drugs and alcohol.
No time to run away. Where are you running to anyway? What's out there that you can't find here? It's just another piece of soil.
One needs to stay awake to appreciate what there is out there and clouding ones eyes just makes it harder to see or fools gold.

We say wars are insane and the people who make them are insane but if we still keep searching for a way out, in a land of plenty..........
Is that not insanity too?

When will mankind ever be happy?
Mankind is never happy unless it suffers.
Only when a man suffers, does he see the light and the joy and meaning of life.

Every day we wake up is a blessing. Insanity is a blessing.
It gives us an outlet to laugh........and this is also a blessing.
When you laugh it's because you see the humor, the irony of life.
In humor, you also see the light to guide you.
Instead of a whiner, man takes pride in becoming a survivor.

Celebrating Christmas is a time of joy.
In spite of all the hardships Mary and Joseph encountered, they found hope in a good person who showed them where their baby could be born and they found joy in receiving a healthy baby boy in spite of all the odds against them and people, who came to share in their joy following a brightly lit star that guided them.
Christmas is a miracle story about simple people suffering and surviving
It is a story about the essence and greatness of mankind.

Life has no time for depression.
Every day is something to be celebrated because
every day is waking up to the pangs of new birth.

Blue Spanish Eyes - Elvis Presley

Monday, December 7, 2009

U R MY LIFE

 
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One day u will ask me:
What is more important to u,
me or ur life?

I will say:
my life..!

You will walk away from me
without knowing that

U R MY LIFE!

Mario Lanza You are my love
You're the sun in my sky

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Summer Hot Rock!!!


Summer Hot Rockin goes with Bloggin

Today is like yesterday.

Hot swingin love joy and peace



Belly dancing



Women


Friday, June 12, 2009

Chinese Eye test



If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corners of your eyes as if you were Chinese. It works !

THIS IS BRILLIANT!!!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The Kiss...who can resist...


We all know THE KISS when we see it.
The KISS brings us joy, pain, contentment, anger, fear, tears …. vulnerability and emotions we never knew we had.
It is associated with LOVE but it doesn’t have to be, as we all kiss for different reasons, some of which are shown here.

The Kiss of Passion

The Kiss of Innocence

The Kiss of Betrayal

The Kiss of Death


The Kiss of An Angel



The Kiss or Rear Ender

The Kiss Off



The Candy Kisses



The Princely Kiss


The Friendship Kiss


The Farewell Kiss

The Butterfly or Laughing Eskimo Kiss




The Well Known Beloved Kiss

The Final Kiss


Next to eating, THE KISS is the most important thing in all our lives.
As beings with human emotion, THE KISS can expose truths and lies better than any court of law.
It connects and separates better than telephones and walls and it unites better than flowers, chocolates or ice cream.
Without it…. we’d be very lonely people indeed.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Man ----Woman ---- What?



1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.


Saturday, May 16, 2009

and what good is it if we can't laugh at ourselves, eh?....




A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

1000 WORD IDIOM for Heaven is in Belgium

E & F

Eyeball to eyeball -------in close confrontation

Usual things in rugby or soccer lol

Fit as a fiddle lol

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Comedy Will Live Forever

Comedy will Live Forever with
Phyllis Diller, Flip Wilson, Don Rickles,Carol Burnett, and Dom Deluise.

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/da82b4ef3c/phyllis-diller-fat-jokes-from-classicstandupfan
Phyllis Diller
----------------------------------------------
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/aa857ea88a/phyllis-dillers-sink-from-classicstandupfan
Phyliss Diller
----------------------------------------------
http://search.msn.com/video/search?q=Flip+Wilson&docid=527637938941&FORM=Z8RE
Flip Wilson
-----------------------------------------------
http://search.msn.com/video/search?q=Flip+Wilson&docid=527637938941&FORM=Z8RE#docid=512526319978
Flip Wilson in the booth in the back in the corner in the dark
--------------------------------------------------

http://search.msn.com/video/results.aspx?q=carol+burnett&docid=536645075639&mid=4F436D07B3B1D23501C54F436D07B3B1D23501C5&FORM=VIVR13
Carol Burnet no frills airplane
---------------------------------------------------
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ALHiadIsKo
Roasting Reagan.
-------------------------------------------------------
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88JqfsvDNmA
dom deluise
-------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.youtube.com/watch?gl=CA&hl=en&v=4_zV3DyD8rc
All Dogs Go To Heaven

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Where does time go....?


My Friend...Golden Nugget
He is 12 years old. 13 in June Where does the time go?
Swimming, fishing, playing soccer,volleyball, he was a pro.
Mr Hugs, Mr Kiss, Mr Give Me a Second Bowl.
Mr Apologetic for things he didn't do.
Mr Rub Me Behind my Ears.
Mr Are You Ready to Go? I am.
Mr Keep My Feet Warm
Mr Companion, Mr Keeper, Mr Protector, Mr Defender
Can we ask for more from a dear friend?
No.
Now he needs a friend.
Give him a soft bed to sleep on
Instead, he sleeps by your feet.
Instead he sleeps watching the front door at night.
Old Habits.
How do I love thee, let me count the ways.
I peed first so you could take me home
cause this was your condition for choosing me
I was a good boy.
Yes, you always were and still are, my beloved pet.
Always a puppy
Always making me smile
By always being yourself.
Wish Time would stand still
and stayed day and day and day.

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007



Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.





Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.




Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.



Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.





Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.




Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college..
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.



Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.
2007 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.




Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Dear Abby




DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
--
DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor?
--
DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
--
DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
--
DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
--
DEAR ABBY: Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.
--
DEAR ABBY: I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief petting officer.
--
DEAR ABBY: This is the second marriage for both of us. And when my husband said "I Will" he knew damn well he couldn't.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Riddle

What gets wetter and wetter
the more it dries?











A Towel.