Francis and Isabella were having their usual battle of the sexes. "Italian men are all stupid," screamed Isabella "Oh, yeah?" yelled her husband. "I'll have you know it was an Italian man who invented the toilet seat!" "And I'll have you know," said his wife, "it was an Italian woman who thought of putting a hole in it!"
-------------------------------------------------
Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks,'Kin ya breathe?'The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet.
- Shel Silverstein
Stutterers Living in the USA - from Howard D - added January 25, 2009
During the Buffalo conference, a busload of us went up to Canada. When we got to the border upon our return to the US, an immigration officer came on board the bus.
In a less than friendly, and far too authoritarian tone, he told us that all he needed to know from each of us was our country of citizenship. He then proceeded down the aisle, stopping at each row of seats, and pointing to each person. "Citizenship?" he said, as he pointed at each person.
Talk about performance anxiety! The first couple of "U...U...U...S's" seemed to go over his head, but after a few more, he started getting suspicious, curious, and concerned. Finally, someone explained to him who we were, and he relaxed.
But it was one of the funniest stuttering experiences of my life.
============================================
Moods
Insane I walk on full moons beams
I know the path. I walk up streams.
They cool my feet while my soul burns
Like hot red coals on water steams
The embers flick off of my brain
And scatter quickly but refrain
From speaking out explaining why
It is they flicker, just to die.
So aimlessly and without cause
Like me, they circle up and pause
Then look around as though to see
IF someone else lurks round like me.
Then clouds surround and crowd the moon
My eyes they close, I start to swoon,
Oh blissful sleep, how long I've waited
The peace you bring is clearly understated.
The embers cool, my feet grow warm
Insanity departs in scorn
And leaves me all alone to lie
Till morrow brings a friendlier sky
Jan 29/1991
A Lady's Life
=============
Believe it or not.
Sound travels 15 times faster through steel than through the air.
Generally speaking, half of all false teeth , have some form of radioactivity.
The European Space Agency's Olympus Satellite was the only one destroyed in 1993 by a meteor.
Starch is used as a binder in the production of paper. It is the use of a starch coating that controls ink penetration when printing. Your elbows get black when you have them on your morning paper because the paper does not have much starch and is therefore cheaper paper.
Sterling silver is not pure silver. Because pure silver is too soft to be used in most tableware it is mixed with copper in the proportion of 92.5 percent silver to 7.5 percent copper.
A ball of glass will bounce higher than a ball of rubber. A ball of solid steel will bounce higher than one made entirely of glass.
My Dad lived close to a wild blueberry forest. We used to go picking blue berries there every July/August,Which resulted in buckets full of frozen berries for winter as well as jam.
As we picked we always had to be on the look out for bears, not that we ever sawany but it was suggested that there might be a few of them around.
In September he would go and collect the leaves from these bushes, dry them and keep them in an air proof bag till he was ready to drink it as tea and boy ,was it good tea.!!
He also had Crysanthemums he would collect flowers from, leaves from the apple and plum tree and goose berries.
As a result, I got interested in this sort of stuff.
I Love making perfume.
If you go outside there are so many wild flowers you can collect as well as those which you grow in your own yard. Well I collected some and decided I would try something.
I put lots of different flowers into a large pot half filled with water.Then I added half a bottle of virgin olive oil to it and began to simmer the pot till the water almost evaporated at which point , I took out the flowers and allowed the water to continue to simmer till I felt just the oil was left.
I added a bit of vodka so the scent , the oil absorbed from the flowers, would remain.
When it cooled I poured it into little bottles with corks and put it away.
Needless to say I was not doing a professional job. I was just trying it out to see if it worked.
What I had was essence I could burn or put into a candle or even into dried flowers to use in your closet.
I also had this very soft smelling, a bit oily, substance I could rub on my face and skin making it feel soooooo nice.
I was sold. ....AND the biggy……is that I know exactly what was put into the scent. Nothing was put in that would hurt me.
Well, me being me, ( the fun is in making the things not using them) I put the bottles away and naturally forgot about them for maybe a good five years.
Today I found one bottle and tried my perfume and could not believe how exquisite it had become.
I put just a bit on my hand and it smells so wonderful, I could smell it all day.
After spending 50 dollars each, on my sons Versace and David Beckham after shave, for his birthday, I would say mine smells so much nicer.
And cost me a lot cheaper especially with all the essence I got out of it.
Yes Nature is beautiful and provides for everything. All you have to do is go out and find it.
Now I am thinking I should try the lemon grass they sell for cooking at the Superstore.
Too bad I didn’t record what I did but by trial and error you could create wonderful stuff.
http://make-fragrances.blogspot.com/
This blog explains how to do this the right way loll
If anyone wants to give it a go.
Have a great day everyone!!!
P.S. When the Roses Bloom Again. Here's to those who count.
This boy should soon have a very fertile and thick head of hair lolWell my flowers must know I am in a, not so good a mood these days and they are speaking to me.
They bloomed all over the yard, all at once and really perked me up.
I mostly plant roses because of the slugs. They eat everything else.
The flowers said: " Don't worry Moma. Tomorrow is another day and till then, we are here to keep you joyous." lol
I don't know who gets more depressed.
The kids for losing or the Moms because they see depressed teens after they lose,
to whom they are not allowed to speak to lol
I still hear my own Moms voice saying : "Should everything be nice ."
I think she did a better job of keeping things nice than I do.
But then they were allowed to spank and keep order in the house in them days. lol
Every time I look out the window today, I feel soooo blessed with the sun and the flowers.
I even put my turkey in to cook earlier. lol
Need some wicked tips for the day?
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.(Any volunteer Referees?)
Avoid arguments with the Mr. about lifting the toilet seat by letting him use the sink. They do anyway. Especially the visitors.
For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. or go give blood at the blood bank and get a cookie,
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. Or better yet, go ahead and snooze, Your job won't be there anyway.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough. Or wear depends. :)
You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. Note: Neither works under water.Use at your own risk.
Remember: Everyone seems normal, sick or gay....... until you get to know them.
If you are high.....you won't care either way.
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical
problem. Sometimes a little electro therapy fixes a lot of things.
Daily Thought:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Except when they learn to slink back up.
Oh, this has truly become a terrific day :)
My coffee is ready and so I will get to it.
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