And That's the Trut

I got these from emails. They are funny so I thought I'd share. Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) <><> I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt <><> Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.. - Mark Twain <><> The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible - George Burns <><> Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge <><> Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain <><> By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates <><> I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx <><> My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante <><> I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor <><> Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. - Alex Levine <><> My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield <><> Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan <><> Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP . - Joe Namath <><> I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope <><> I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.. - W. C. Fields <><> We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers <><> Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill <><> Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.. - Phyllis Diller <><> By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal <><> And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.

doodads and pumkins

Being a Christian is like being a pumpkin. God lifts you up,
takes you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. He opens you
up, touches you deep inside and scoops out all the yucky stuff--
including the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc. Then He carves
you a new smiling face and puts His light inside you to shine for
all the world to see.

Why do witches fly on brooms?

Because vacuum cleaners have short cords.

Have a great day!

Entranced - I Can't Sleep

I heard you call
Like an echo in the wind
I heard my name
Like a whisper on a breath
So warm and breezy
Caressing curls in my hair
I felt you

I heard you cry
So deep in sleep
I saw your dream
Our noses touched
I heard my name
I saw the tear

And you were mine
So warm, our cheeks caressed
A whisper on a breath
An echo in the wind
I heard you call
Entranced, I came running
To keep you safe
So you could sleep.

A Lady's Life






Calgary Herald - Time to Change Tune of Official Multiculturalism.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

================================

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS Mexican

His first name was JesusHe was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK

He called everybody “brother”
He liked Gospel
He couldn’t get a fair trial

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS Jewish

He went into his father’s business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin,
and his Mother was sure he was God

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN

He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building trades

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN

He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS Irish

He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A Woman

He had to feed a crowd, at a moment’s notice, when
there was no food.
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

===========================

I think now, you know it all :)

The news said it is healthy to sleep with your pets because they give you a sense of well
being. I agree. I can't imagine a home without man's best friend.

The wind storm left some houses without power and pushed open my front door.But all is well and so we will enjoy a brand new day.

Take care:)

Moods Warmth and Truth in Flowers

All things in life are temporary.
If going well enjoy it, they will not last forever.
If going wrong don't worry, they can't last long either.

========================================

What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet.
- Shel Silverstein

=======================================

Stutterers Living in the USA - from Howard D - added January 25, 2009

During the Buffalo conference, a busload of us went up to Canada. When we got to the border upon our return to the US, an immigration officer came on board the bus.

In a less than friendly, and far too authoritarian tone, he told us that all he needed to know from each of us was our country of citizenship. He then proceeded down the aisle, stopping at each row of seats, and pointing to each person. "Citizenship?" he said, as he pointed at each person.

Talk about performance anxiety! The first couple of "U...U...U...S's" seemed to go over his head, but after a few more, he started getting suspicious, curious, and concerned. Finally, someone explained to him who we were, and he relaxed.

But it was one of the funniest stuttering experiences of my life.

============================================

Moods

Insane I walk on full moons beams

I know the path. I walk up streams.

They cool my feet while my soul burns

Like hot red coals on water steams

The embers flick off of my brain

And scatter quickly but refrain

From speaking out explaining why

It is they flicker, just to die.

So aimlessly and without cause

Like me, they circle up and pause

Then look around as though to see

IF someone else lurks round like me.

Then clouds surround and crowd the moon

My eyes they close, I start to swoon,

Oh blissful sleep, how long I've waited

The peace you bring is clearly understated.

The embers cool, my feet grow warm

Insanity departs in scorn

And leaves me all alone to lie

Till morrow brings a friendlier sky

Jan 29/1991

A Lady's Life

=============

Believe it or not.

Sound travels 15 times faster through steel than through the air.

Generally speaking, half of all false teeth , have some form of radioactivity.

The European Space Agency's Olympus Satellite was the only one destroyed in 1993 by a meteor.

Starch is used as a binder in the production of paper. It is the use of a starch coating that controls ink penetration when printing. Your elbows get black when you have them on your morning paper because the paper does not have much starch and is therefore cheaper paper.

Sterling silver is not pure silver. Because pure silver is too soft to be used in most tableware it is mixed with copper in the proportion of 92.5 percent silver to 7.5 percent copper.

A ball of glass will bounce higher than a ball of rubber. A ball of solid steel will bounce higher than one made entirely of glass.

If Lies were Truths

"Our Life is what our thoughts make it"
Marcus Aurelius

I love to collect post cards and this is an old one I found in my Farmhouse Kitchen Diary.
It has a collection of recipes suitable for the time of month.


Do you know why a car's WINDSHIELD is so large & the rear view
mirror is so small?
Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So, look ahead
and move on.
--------------------------------------

If lies were truths and truths were lies
The world would surely not survive
No one would know which one was which
The gray half truth, half lie could switch

Yet with the rise of each bright sun
I find myself excused by one
Perfected in the light of gray
Where truth and lie they meet half way.

I stamp my feet and pull my hair
How could anyone so dare
To trick me in this half wit way
Keep me in limbo so I stay

I know the difference in truth lies
That it is grounded while the other flies
So easy in its time of mirth, while so
Sombre in the eye of truth

When truth meets lie upon a bridge
It leads all men and beasts to twitch
All lie in dread of what's to come
Will victor be a liars son?

Of course not TRUTH is here to stay!
Like black and White, it's clear as day!
The bugles roar out proclamations
And liars spew out insinuations
The course of time is thus confronted
And truth insists it can't be stunted
For if it easily is swayed
All liars, they will have their way

You hold yourself in great esteem
In face of lies you want to scream
I'll tell you truth
I'll wheel and deal.I'll mimic ,joke, I'll even steal.
But in the end I promise you, that my self worth,
Will be the end of you.
In many truths you tell you'll see
You won't get far without little ol me.

Both men and beasts stood all confused
In face of lies who face the truths
And to this day you'll see them there
On bridge on high with long white hair

A world caught in time remains in limbo
Between truth and lie it's not so simple

The world would surely not survive
If lies were truths and truths were lies.
No one would know which one was which
The gray half truth, half lie could switch.

A Lady's Life.