"We are very excited to have President Barack Obama on the show tonight. People think it's amazing that the President would take the time to leave Washington, DC, and fly 3,000 miles to come to California. But that happens to a lot of guys when their mother-in-law moves in with them." --Jay Leno
"No wonder Obama has gray hair. That was the big story in the paper yesterday, Obama has gray hair. Wow, now his hair isn't black enough." --Bill Maher
"Republicans are attacking Barack Obama because he now wants to negotiate directly with the Taliban. Obama responded, 'Hey, right now I'd rather deal with the Taliban than with Republicans.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama got some good news today. It seems so many of his cabinet appointees have been forced to pay their back taxes, he now gets a finder's fee from the IRS." --Jay Leno
"Here's some good news. Barack Obama announced he's bringing home troops from Iraq. That's right. Unfortunately, he couldn't get them direct flights home. They have a two-year layover in Afghanistan." --Jimmy Fallon
"During his trip to Ottawa, Canada, President Obama said he was too embarrassed to admit to the Canadians that he'd never actually seen a hockey game. To which the Canadians said, "Oh, don't worry, we've never seen a black guy." --Jay Leno
"How many watched the Obama speech on Tuesday night? If you didn't see it, I'll give you the short version. We're completely broke, and deeply in debt, but we're going to do a bank rescue, universal healthcare, give everybody a college education, have a bigger war in Afghanistan, cut the deficit in half, and cure cancer. We were this close to universal blow jobs." --Bill Maher"
President Obama gave his first State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Obama focused on the three most critical things he wants Americans to understand: first, that the economy is in a lot of trouble; second, that the road to recovery won't be easy; and third, that it's all President Bush's fault." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Well, Obama's had quite an opening. Been a month in office -- he signed the stimulus bill, he closed Guantanamo Bay, ordered the planning of our withdrawing from Iraq -- it's like he's spraying the country with a giant can of 'Bush Be-Gone.'" --Bill Maher
"I saw an article last week that said, 'Is Obama's Presidency already a failure?' ... I think everybody should just calm down. Give Obama four years. See what he can do. Then if he's a miserable failure, we'll do what we did with George W. Bush and elect him to a second term." --Craig Ferguson
Staying alive - For most of last year, we could have gone swimming. The weather was hot and dry into December. Not so this year. The temps took a nose-dive just after we r...
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