Foxsy Loxy Truth and Tale

Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This to incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit.

The following was printed in the paper the next day.

Small medium at large.

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rodney dangerfield

had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
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steve martin
Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.
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george burns
It only takes one drink to get me drunk I don't know if its the 13th or the 14th

Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman... or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can stand.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.

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elayne boosler
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

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When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Josh Billings

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Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Stephen Wright
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A young man goes to confession saying, "Father forgive me, I have sinned with a young woman."

The Priest asks, "Was it Mary McCarthy?"

"No, father, its not for me to say," the man replies.

"Was it Rita Sanchez?"

"No, father, I can't tell you."

"Linda Torelli?"

"No, father, it wouldn't be right for me to mention any names."

With this the priest tells him to sin no more and gives him pennance.

On the way out of the church, the man passes a friend, who asks him what happened.

The young man says, "I got one rosary, two Our Fathers, and three new leads"

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The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

And that's the truth
:)